Lethargic much?

Well, yeeeeah... recently anyway! Have had out of town company, Redbeard's mama-- the kids adore her, so it's been a great break for me. It's been kind of interesting to me, to be doing my healing work and processing with someone in the house who doesn't live here full-time. I'm not much accustomed to seeing other people than my intimate, very small circle.

I think part of me decided to put this work on hold for the meantime, until our visitors go home. Or, I've done most of the emotional release (for now) and the processing, writing, and anger stage are in the wings. Hard to find any good time to do that, especially with others around (trust issues from the child sexual trauma).

I'm just letting it be for now. Don't press it, just let things flow.

I feel changes have happened. I'm so much less numb, and my feelings are a lot closer to the surface-- accessible and much more nameable. Interesting. Also, I feel a great capacity to discuss what's going on with me, with the people I trust to do so. (Um, about four? Did I mention the trust issues?)

I feel lighter. I feel more nimble. I'm not eating chocolate as much (sad, huh?). I am having much better communication about my needs AND my boundaries. It's cool. I'm able to have more fun, more easily. I'm not escaping so much. Okay, I am more now, a little, but I always do when we have a visitor. I need time 'alone', and being on the computer is a way to accomplish that without being (totally) antisocial. :)

Amazing, the healing process. Amazing, the stories of survivors. Amazing, the strength of people, well, like me. Every experience, every feeling brought me to where I am now, and I can't be anything but grateful for that. The deep personal growth of this healing work is also something I am grateful for-- and will stop escaping in a couple of weeks when we return to equilibrium. Yes. Now I can stop castigating myself, and just work on enjoying. So, I'm off!!!

Geez-- I haven't updated for, oh....almost 9 months!

I had a baby-- which you might have expected, considering I was hugely pregnant on my last post.

It's a girl, and she's almost 8 months old now. She was 8.15 at birth (huge!); we had a wonderful birth at the local birthing center, and she came fast! Three hours of hee-hee-hooooooo labor and boom: baby in the tub!

How blessed we are with our little family-- all of us healthy, happy and together.

Spring is fast falling back and summer is bursting forth; life abounds (though my tomato plants have not yet gotten the memo).

I'm focused on growth (yes, again!); this time it's also about inwardness, though it's the kind that renews and refreshes so I can come back and nurture everyone that needs it daily. Yes, I mean (fanfare): Time For Myself Away From Everyone! Wow. This is quite a concept and one that I am dancing with, at present.

In typical fashion, I trained my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed at not having any time to myself once I had one, then two children. Unfortunately, I learned too well, I think. I've gotten to the point of not expecting any time alone, and it's extinguishing the person I used to be! Obviously, my life is out of balance, and it's time for me to do something about it.

So, forward- march! I think if I can get out the way of myself, things will flow and I can get what I need. I have a very difficult time stepping back and letting things proceed naturally. The illusion of control is very powerful, despite its fallacy... It's one of my challenges. Thank goodness for Al-Anon!

Have a great summer-- I hope to see you sooner, rather than later!