Lethargic much?

Well, yeeeeah... recently anyway! Have had out of town company, Redbeard's mama-- the kids adore her, so it's been a great break for me. It's been kind of interesting to me, to be doing my healing work and processing with someone in the house who doesn't live here full-time. I'm not much accustomed to seeing other people than my intimate, very small circle.

I think part of me decided to put this work on hold for the meantime, until our visitors go home. Or, I've done most of the emotional release (for now) and the processing, writing, and anger stage are in the wings. Hard to find any good time to do that, especially with others around (trust issues from the child sexual trauma).

I'm just letting it be for now. Don't press it, just let things flow.

I feel changes have happened. I'm so much less numb, and my feelings are a lot closer to the surface-- accessible and much more nameable. Interesting. Also, I feel a great capacity to discuss what's going on with me, with the people I trust to do so. (Um, about four? Did I mention the trust issues?)

I feel lighter. I feel more nimble. I'm not eating chocolate as much (sad, huh?). I am having much better communication about my needs AND my boundaries. It's cool. I'm able to have more fun, more easily. I'm not escaping so much. Okay, I am more now, a little, but I always do when we have a visitor. I need time 'alone', and being on the computer is a way to accomplish that without being (totally) antisocial. :)

Amazing, the healing process. Amazing, the stories of survivors. Amazing, the strength of people, well, like me. Every experience, every feeling brought me to where I am now, and I can't be anything but grateful for that. The deep personal growth of this healing work is also something I am grateful for-- and will stop escaping in a couple of weeks when we return to equilibrium. Yes. Now I can stop castigating myself, and just work on enjoying. So, I'm off!!!

Changes in the new year...

[sigh]

We've moved, temporarily. It is more permanent than not, as we are not going to move back into our previous residence. However... we are going to have to unload our previous residence, and it's looking more like that means deconstruction, not selling it. That makes me feel stressed out... though Redbeard tells me to relax, and that it's not going to be a big deal.

Monkey is much happier here; heck, we're ALL happier here to my surprise. I thought I would feel so isolated being away from town. But it feels peaceful and right.

I am a little nervous driving when it's icy or snowy, as the road gets pretty bad, but I have 4WD; it's not a big deal except for my fear and inexperience.

I'm just... out of sorts, I suppose. It's difficult for me when some of my basic needs are not in my control. Shelter is a biggie!

I am doing my best to peace out though; just relax and wait, and a way will open. It is just not visible right now.

SO-- putting aside that main concern that is taking up much of my focus-- we are going to do up some grub for SuperBowl Sunday; we may have a couple of friends over, or not. But it looks like grilled brats (I will NOT eat a hot dog, lol), topped with homemade chili, and some spicy homemade chicken wings. Also, Redbeard would like some spinach artichoke dip (with lotsa garlic!), and I'll put out baby carrots and celery for dipping-- though I imagine he'll go straight for the crackers/baguette. He's a carb fiend, and so is Monkey!

We have TV here for the first time since we've been married, so we can actually watch the SuperBowl at home rather than at a friend's or at the bar. That's very cool b/c then Monkey can do his thing and get his needs met here rather than us doing the poor best we can somewhere else.

I'm very much due for a shower (Peee-UW!) and since Monkey-boy is all asleep, I suppose I'd better hop to.

Best and warmest!