Bitch, bitch, bitch...

It's not that I don't like my life... I'm just worn with it.

Monkey is driving me, well, bananas. Everything seems to be such a struggle with him these days; it's difficult to even want to take him to the park some days, as he will lay down on the ground and tantrum at the slightest hint that he can't do... something. [sigh]

It's these years, I know.

I'm just tired of routine. Tired of every day looking like the next, and when Sunday night approaches, my feelings of dread that here we are, another week is about to begin. And everything starts all over.

I think it's the falling into a rut thing, fo' sho'.

I miss my friend, Cindy. Even if she were planning to move back here, which she's not, it wouldn't be the same. I am willing to make new friends, but I haven't found people I'm much interested in knowing more than casually. Redbeard has friends, even different tiers of friends, depending on what he's doing; it seems he always has something planned with them.

I guess I feel lonely and I'm often pushed to the edge by Monkey's tremendously toddler behaviors. Oh, and yeah, I'm 3 1/2 months pregnant...

Sometimes I'm desperate to escape the limitations of my housewifely role; it's the job of any job (besides perhaps ditch-digging) that I'm LEAST suited in skills and inclination for! I am a terrific nurturer, an inquiring mind, a pretty good mom (mostly!) and I like to have fun. I have only intermittent enjoyment in cooking or meal-planning, and no enjoyment whatsoever in laundry, washing dishes or cleaning.

I have no idea how I ended up here, other than after meeting Redbeard, I wanted to have children and with him.

Despite my shortcomings, I try (and mostly fail), but I suppose, as Six Feet Under character Ruth Fisher says to her adult son, Nate, in a moment of emotional purging, "...(T)he trying is how you know you are loved...!"

I've always known my aptitude for change is not high. Work is one thing, but not in my personal life so much. The rub for me, staying at home to care for my child, is that work is home. Home has always been sanctuary for me; the place where I can put up my feet and say 'fuck off' to the world.

Now, it's headquarters for taking care of the family's needs, and despite having so much time, I have so little!

Bitch, bitch, bitch... Tiresome, isn't it?

I need a vacation; a really good drunk would suit nearly as well, but alas.

Resource Management and Blessed Spring

I'm as tired as all get out. I'm only 2 years older than when I was last pregnant, but about 40 lbs heavier and responsible for an 18 month terror. It makes a huge ton of difference-- read HARDER.

Redbeard has had to pick up a lot of slack b/c I've just been so damn tired that even though it bothers me, I have NOT had the energy to pick up the house or even make dinner. It's all I can do to watch Monkey, who has been a crazy wild thing. I feel very strongly about each of us doing our jobs, though I certainly let Redbeard help when he gets home b/c I don't get any days off or breaks unless there's a blessed nap. It's all been kind of depressing and upsetting because I know I'm not doing what I strongly feel is "my part," but even that is not enough to overcome the pregnancy fatigue and my funk.

Now that the weather is beginning to look up, my spirits are lifting too. It was a very closed-in winter this year with lots of snow and changes and stressful things. I'm the bolsterer and the one who tends to reframe things to see the positive, but without any extra energy, I've not been able to fulfill that role either. But, I'm going to focus on getting it back and because it's a rewarding cycle, I'm going to get outdoors and get Monkey outdoors, which tires him out and gives me more energy AND time, (if he's tired out) which allows me more resources to get what I need to get done-- which helps my marriage and my tired husband.

It's just what needs to happen. The second trimester is coming soon too-- and that is always a better time with a lot more energy AND focus on nesting and just getting it done! I really look forward to that.

Well, I'm going to do some stuff while Monkey-boy is napping and then we're going to go somewhere outside and see what kind of trouble we can get into!

Best to all-- hope spring has sprung for you too!

"Winter has released its taloned grip..."

... is what I meant to entitle this post (without the quotes, aye?). I then intended to forth noting the signs of spring, the melting, the roads clearing and the warmer temperatures, etc.

Well, I just glanced outside AS I was entitling La Post, to find it snowing.

[Sigh] I like snow. I love snow. I feel like a kid who is going to get a snow day when I see the flakes falling outside, but right now a week from April... well, I'm ready to play a different tune.

Moving on...

We are all well and sassy. Redbeard was a few minutes late to work today because he couldn't stop sassin' me while we were laying in bed. Monkey not only is climbing (as monkeys do) but has a newfound fascination with dragging all the pots and pans out of the cupboard and into various places in the house.

He also has learned how to play the crowd when he falls down or bumps his head- though he usually grabs his hand (whether "hurt" or not) and holds it out while wailing heartbrokenly. It's pretty funny.

My MIL came to stay for 10 days early this month; she is a very nice lady and had a wonderful time with Monkey. Those two are like peas and carrots; I felt a bit abandoned, truth be told!

My mom called to say she and my nephew will be visiting in June, so that will be nice to look forward to. Redbeard said he thought it was time to teach my nephew to take his own fish off the hook, hehe.

Redbeard is back to work these days and is going to be very busy, which is wonderful. He had some times at the other office where he had to do makework and he would usually just take one-leave and come home instead. He's NOT a busy-work kind of fella. Fortunately, they seem to recognize that more easily here, and the biologist he's working under is very communicative and cool but professional and focused. A very good match for Redbeard.

I am still being everything to everyone, and making all go smoothly in every direction-- except when I say to hell with it, and all ye bend to my will and make me happy. There's been more of the latter these last couple of months than the former, I must confess. Ne'ertheless, my boys seem to still adore me, so it can't be all bad serving The Queen, lol...

I have started paying close attention to my diet- as in what I eat, not denial of food to lose weight. I am really trying to make sure I get in all my recommended servings and watch the serving sizes. Also, now that winter is abat(ing), I'm trying to get out to walk as much as sensibly possible. Even driving to town is more exercise (sic) than I've had over much of the winter. We could have snowshoed more, but Monkey wasn't all that keen on being out too long (with the whole fresh air = Baby Benedryl thing). So, I'll work on it more this spring. Spring! Yea!

Well, I'd better feed my spawn and get started on that laundry I've slacked on for, oh... about a WEEK! Yikes! All three baskets are full; oh, the glory of being a domestic engineer! ;)