Gather ye rosebuds, while ye may...

I think on this, consciously, often when Monkey wants me to play with him, or She-Ra has hurled yet another book at my feet and is looking up at me expectantly with her arms up. I'm almost always knee-deep in laundry, picking up the house, doing dishes or cooking, or I *ought* to be doing those things, which makes my pressure even more acute. OR, I've actually managed to make some breathing space for myself, and I'm all set up to play The Sims Medieval on my computer-- lose myself in my Sims little concerns and their life quests. And... here are the rosebuds, blooming. Full, in this moment, so crystallinely pure. Harvested, they retain their joy and blessing forever, and bloom even more fervently. Ungathered, they wilt, wither, and go to seed, giving less and less blooms to collect sunlight and give vitality to little plants. These children's innocence and playfulness sometimes hurts me; it's so trusting. What was it like, to be so trusting? My life didn't play out that way because of things that done to me, starting when I was my own little daughter's age. Eighteen months: I look at her lying in my arms at night, fast asleep, and I can't imagine the twistedness of a person who would sully such a vulnerable being. A person will do all kinds of things to him or herself in order to protect; sometimes the methods seem completely counter-productive and risk-provoking, rather than protective. It's interesting to get down the nitty-gritty, and be completely honest about what you fear. I've found this work to be the culmination of a lifetime (not to mention 12 Steps' 4th Step: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). Once I crossed off spiders, blindness and surviving a car accident as a paraplegic, the inklings of some really deep answers came to me. Surprise, surprise, that the markers were all there in my behavior, rooted in trauma. In doing some reading on surviving child sexual abuse, one factor emerged which really brought things into focus for me. It's fully normal for survivors to be blamed for what happened to them, particularly as post-abuse behavior can often express as promiscuity or even recreations of the abuse scenarios. Uninformed families-- and survivors-- therefore are validated in believing that the survivor 'brought it on themselves' or even 'started it'. This is particularly true in incest survivorship, where families -- and survivors-- have a real investment in the status quo. You really can't take the steps you need to take until you are ready-- and you really can judge yourself so critically and unfairly, in ways you would never judge others. It's been so liberating to unshoulder the burden of believing myself responsible for what happened to me, and what kept happening to me all throughout young adulthood. I understand now such a violation of trust at such a young age (without treatment) led me to believe I would never be safe and the only power I could have was to give 'it' away before 'it' could be taken from me. A matter of choice. Choice in timing, if not in fact. Being woken to sexuality on an adult's timetable instead of my own didn't allow me to have a "normal" expression of sexuality, inner or outer. All of my sexual expression was based on how others reacted to me; being so powerless, any power I could garner was like gold. I learned how to insinuate sexuality, but not too much, and then I got the most approval from those who valued sex, and those who valued brains. I was almost always focused on adults or those who were older than me. Writing it now, the clarity is blinding. Without my feelings of shame, responsibility, darkness and perversion muddling it all up, the facts are like bricks thudding into place in an earthen wall. And that's really the key, for me, for those working the program, for everyone maybe... to remove the ties of emotion and fact, to allow one to see clearly. How, though... well, I guess the how is up to each one of us. I sit here now, finishing this blog post, having interrupted it many times to gather, gather, gather those rosebuds from Monkey and She-Ra, trying to balance theirs with my own rosebuds lain ignored for so long. I'm just doing the best that I can, all the time, with the resources I have available to me. Sure am loving how much more I can appreciate these roses these days-- not to mention the warm sun on my heart.

The terrible Terribles

It's nearly unbearable... Monkey and the Terrible Threes. Oh. My. Hell. I had absolutely NO idea how terrible the Terribles could be. I don't think I could have braved it, had I known... Every day is a horrible wodge of me doling out warnings, then threats, timeouts, privilege revocations-- then beatins! (Well, spanks, but I HATE- HATE to go there, and my uproarious feelings make even spanks feel violent) Then, he goes around the house and uses whatever he can get his hands on (or his hand, or his FOOT) to 'shoot' me, which starts off another round of the same. Round and round the mulberry bush we go. Harder on Redbeard than on me. He already keeps a tight rein on his Irishness in daily life. This is sending him right over the cliff. I know this can't last forever... Oh, geez, please let this not last forever...

Errata

Baby shower Friday at the park. I have no idea what it will be like, as it's been a little hard to schedule and communicate with the hostess, Redbeard's co-worker and our previous neighbor. No matter what-- I don't have any control over her choices, so I'm just going to roll with it and have fun with whomever does happen to show up.

Because it's been rescheduled twice, and I just got confirmation yesterday to be able to send out the e-invites (again)-- I have no idea if *any* of our friends will be there. It's a combined shower for Redbeard's boss and me, so at least the people from his work will almost surely be there, several of which are friends of mine as well. [shrug]

The weather has been so nice and cool these last several days; unfortunately, it's been getting in the way of Monkey's and my morning walk. I don't have a rain hood for the stroller, and though I like to walk in the rain, it seems a bit irresponsible to put him out there in it, lol.

Redbeard is working at the local "big" fair tomorrow-- the Huckleberry Festival, as our town likes to tout itself as "The Huckleberry Capital of Montana". Silly, huh? Redbeard will man the Bull Trout teaching trailer, and interact with kids and adults about the different fish around here. People are not his best thing, so this is a good stretch for him. I do love to see him with the kids though. I know he looks at them and sees his kids-- which makes me all ooey-gooey. ;)

Monkey and I will go meet him tomorrow toward the end of his shift, and we'll take a turn through the fest to see what booths are up and to talk to people we know. Sedate weekend plans, for sure!

Now, it's time to take a turn around the kitchen, I suppose... Monkey has discovered the joy of the Lazy Susan pantry and has been playing grocery store. As many times as I put things back, there are still cans all over the house, which he picks up and talks in his own special language with. It's so cute, I don't have the heart to put a cabinet lock on the door! :) I figure it's a good opportunity for learning and exploration, but it does leave a mess!

Hope all have a nice cool day, as we are having. Impossible to believe summer (here) is almost over...

So, I guess it's time to out myself...

...Thank you, MrsSoersdal! You made me realize that nearly all the people that I know offline that might read this blog already know, so there was no need to be so close-lipped anymore.

Yes, I am pregnant. Ten weeks, 1 day, and on Thursday (6 days from now) we go in for our 2nd prenatal visit and will be able to hear the heartbeat. In an October 2009 babies group I'm in, several of the moms' fetuses have had no heartbeat and the moms, subsequent D&Cs. Heartbreaking.

So, that will be a good appointment for us, informationally. :)

I'm surprised at how much more difficult this one is than with Monkey. I'm older and about 40 lbs fatter, so it's not rocket science to imagine how I might make it a bit easier. The docs want you to still gain weight though; I did read about a study where overweight or obese pregnant women had not gained, or even lost, under guidance and the babies, labors and moms were statistically consistent with others who did gain the recommended weight of 15 lbs for overweight moms. Nevertheless, MY doc isn't hip to it, lol.

I need a lot more rest; my endurance isn't great. I walked with Monkey yesterday and that was good; we are going to work on making it a practice. He likes the fresh air (though I wish I could get him to walk with me-- he sits in the stroller), and it seems to help his attitude.

Redbeard is so darling... when we went to our first appt (after the PG test) and sat down with the nurse, she said, "Congratulations! You're going to be parents again in about 34 weeks!". I smiled hugely, I think, and he looked at me, kinda teary-eyed and said, "Oh, my god." And we both reached for each other's hand and started laughing.

I'm sure he will get all veklempt when we hear the heartbeat too-- I just love that about him! I think it's nice that he isn't scared to be emotional that way; it's only fair too, since I cry all the time these days at all kinds of weird things.

I've been a lot more nauseous than I remember from last time, but it's possible that time has faded my memory. I'm just looking forward to the end of it (whenever that will be) and to the promise of having energy again. I really need a 3 hour nap daily (though that's been 1x/weekly, if that) and I go to bed as SOON as I get Monkey down for the night. Redbeard has been staying up to put the house to bed & until he gets tired. Me, it's like I'm so thirsty and sleep is the coldest, freshest, bubbliest water that I have to travel the clock hours to get to every day...

The baby is due October 17th- Monkey's original due date. That will put all of us, even our dog, Sage, in October birthdays. M- 10th, S- 15th, me- 20th, RB- 27th, B- ?.

Well, I'm off to read some of this engrossing book my sis brought over for me. It's not new or anything, but I hadn't read it. Rosamond Pilcher (of The Shell Seekers fame), entitled Coming Home. Lots and lots of characters, detail and set in Cornwall, which I love to read about.

Happy spring, I think, maybe, finally?! (It's not snowing today, anyway!) :)

"Winter has released its taloned grip..."

... is what I meant to entitle this post (without the quotes, aye?). I then intended to forth noting the signs of spring, the melting, the roads clearing and the warmer temperatures, etc.

Well, I just glanced outside AS I was entitling La Post, to find it snowing.

[Sigh] I like snow. I love snow. I feel like a kid who is going to get a snow day when I see the flakes falling outside, but right now a week from April... well, I'm ready to play a different tune.

Moving on...

We are all well and sassy. Redbeard was a few minutes late to work today because he couldn't stop sassin' me while we were laying in bed. Monkey not only is climbing (as monkeys do) but has a newfound fascination with dragging all the pots and pans out of the cupboard and into various places in the house.

He also has learned how to play the crowd when he falls down or bumps his head- though he usually grabs his hand (whether "hurt" or not) and holds it out while wailing heartbrokenly. It's pretty funny.

My MIL came to stay for 10 days early this month; she is a very nice lady and had a wonderful time with Monkey. Those two are like peas and carrots; I felt a bit abandoned, truth be told!

My mom called to say she and my nephew will be visiting in June, so that will be nice to look forward to. Redbeard said he thought it was time to teach my nephew to take his own fish off the hook, hehe.

Redbeard is back to work these days and is going to be very busy, which is wonderful. He had some times at the other office where he had to do makework and he would usually just take one-leave and come home instead. He's NOT a busy-work kind of fella. Fortunately, they seem to recognize that more easily here, and the biologist he's working under is very communicative and cool but professional and focused. A very good match for Redbeard.

I am still being everything to everyone, and making all go smoothly in every direction-- except when I say to hell with it, and all ye bend to my will and make me happy. There's been more of the latter these last couple of months than the former, I must confess. Ne'ertheless, my boys seem to still adore me, so it can't be all bad serving The Queen, lol...

I have started paying close attention to my diet- as in what I eat, not denial of food to lose weight. I am really trying to make sure I get in all my recommended servings and watch the serving sizes. Also, now that winter is abat(ing), I'm trying to get out to walk as much as sensibly possible. Even driving to town is more exercise (sic) than I've had over much of the winter. We could have snowshoed more, but Monkey wasn't all that keen on being out too long (with the whole fresh air = Baby Benedryl thing). So, I'll work on it more this spring. Spring! Yea!

Well, I'd better feed my spawn and get started on that laundry I've slacked on for, oh... about a WEEK! Yikes! All three baskets are full; oh, the glory of being a domestic engineer! ;)

Flock of Seagulls, Montana-style...

...becomes Flock of Turkeys. They are our neighbors here at the new place, and I'll tell you, Monkey is absolutely entranced by them. He runs around pseudo-gobbling for hours after they make an appearance every few days. It's pretty dang cute, but woe betide anyone who makes a turkey gobble while their visit is still in memory. He will run from window to window, pointing and gobbling which escalates into much less cute behavior.

Ah, toddlerhood.

We're likely expecting a new armful of potential and issues in early to mid-November, I'm thinking. I go in next Monday to the doc, but I already know what's up, lol...

Okay, Monkey is ALL DONE with my blogging for now. Must fly-- well, at least begone.

Happy nearly March, everyone!

More than a month away...

... from blogging.

It feels like a whole lot longer than that. It's therapy and I need some of that. Monkey is alternately driving me crazy and making my heart melt. This must be the onset of toddlerhood that I've heard mentioned guardedly in dark corners by exhausted looking mothers with staring eyes and facial tics.

I asked Redbeard today, fiercely, "IS IT TIME FOR DRINKING YET....?" And he quickly assured me that it was, out of self-preservation as well as acknowledgement of Monkey's horrible behavior.

Yikes.

Please let it be a phase.

Oh-- and shots at the doctor tomorrow. Wonderful.

[quietly begins to rip hair out in advance]


In other news, we're back online and in temporary housing after returning from Ohio (Monkey was wonderful on the plane, with 14 hours in Minneapolis airport, and with his grandparents-- we could not have asked for better behavior. Wonder what happened to it...). When we got back to our house (after sacking out in a motel for 9 hours), our roof was buckled and looked to cave in and we had a catastrophic flood that left the living room carpet soaked (this *after* 2 days of living with frozen pipes, drains, toilet). Not fun. :(

Suck ass- but we're out. It will be okay.

We're spreading out in a bigger place for now, and we'll see what happens in the spring. It's been a lot of stress though, and now we're not sure if we should keep TTC until we know what's going on with our housing.

Decisions, decisions.

Well, I'm off to entertain His Monkeyness until Redbeard returns. Hope all enjoyed the winter holidays. It's really nice to be back in therapy.

We actually got out of the house & were rewarded!

...Not just with the good feelings that getting out the house with children gives you (good for me! I've got it together, yeah!)-- but we saw Redbeard, in the daytime and he was a-l-o-n-e!

He stopped at the Local Store (the name-- really.) while we were fueling up in celebration of the drop below $2.00/gal ($1.99 but I'm not going to quibble!). RB had the biggest smile on his face, and oh my goodness-- when he peeked in to see Monkey, well, there was a massive upheaval in the carseat-- blankets and toys flying everywhere! :)

I got Monkey out so they could bond (haven't seen each other for two days!), and when Redbeard had to go (since he left his hunters in the woods) Monkey set up such a clamor as I haven't heard in a long time. But at least we all got hugs and kisses, and we've a date for dinner set for tonite (mmm...those turkey Hot-N-Spicy Sloppy Joes already smell good- and the texture looks just at it ought! I took a page from Steph's book and not only didn't pre-brown the meat (to drain grease)-- since turkey is very low-fat-- but I stuffed it in there in frozen bricks! Dang! LOVE my crockpot!!!).

Funny-- my stress and PMS-seeming symptoms don't seem to be bothering me now. I guess that means I love my husband. Well, most of the time. :)

I even folded his shirts the way he likes them when I did laundry yesterday-- and I've been making coffee the night before (set to auto-brew) for him every night. Please, karma, have your way with me!!!