Lethargic much?

Well, yeeeeah... recently anyway! Have had out of town company, Redbeard's mama-- the kids adore her, so it's been a great break for me. It's been kind of interesting to me, to be doing my healing work and processing with someone in the house who doesn't live here full-time. I'm not much accustomed to seeing other people than my intimate, very small circle.

I think part of me decided to put this work on hold for the meantime, until our visitors go home. Or, I've done most of the emotional release (for now) and the processing, writing, and anger stage are in the wings. Hard to find any good time to do that, especially with others around (trust issues from the child sexual trauma).

I'm just letting it be for now. Don't press it, just let things flow.

I feel changes have happened. I'm so much less numb, and my feelings are a lot closer to the surface-- accessible and much more nameable. Interesting. Also, I feel a great capacity to discuss what's going on with me, with the people I trust to do so. (Um, about four? Did I mention the trust issues?)

I feel lighter. I feel more nimble. I'm not eating chocolate as much (sad, huh?). I am having much better communication about my needs AND my boundaries. It's cool. I'm able to have more fun, more easily. I'm not escaping so much. Okay, I am more now, a little, but I always do when we have a visitor. I need time 'alone', and being on the computer is a way to accomplish that without being (totally) antisocial. :)

Amazing, the healing process. Amazing, the stories of survivors. Amazing, the strength of people, well, like me. Every experience, every feeling brought me to where I am now, and I can't be anything but grateful for that. The deep personal growth of this healing work is also something I am grateful for-- and will stop escaping in a couple of weeks when we return to equilibrium. Yes. Now I can stop castigating myself, and just work on enjoying. So, I'm off!!!

Resource Management and Blessed Spring

I'm as tired as all get out. I'm only 2 years older than when I was last pregnant, but about 40 lbs heavier and responsible for an 18 month terror. It makes a huge ton of difference-- read HARDER.

Redbeard has had to pick up a lot of slack b/c I've just been so damn tired that even though it bothers me, I have NOT had the energy to pick up the house or even make dinner. It's all I can do to watch Monkey, who has been a crazy wild thing. I feel very strongly about each of us doing our jobs, though I certainly let Redbeard help when he gets home b/c I don't get any days off or breaks unless there's a blessed nap. It's all been kind of depressing and upsetting because I know I'm not doing what I strongly feel is "my part," but even that is not enough to overcome the pregnancy fatigue and my funk.

Now that the weather is beginning to look up, my spirits are lifting too. It was a very closed-in winter this year with lots of snow and changes and stressful things. I'm the bolsterer and the one who tends to reframe things to see the positive, but without any extra energy, I've not been able to fulfill that role either. But, I'm going to focus on getting it back and because it's a rewarding cycle, I'm going to get outdoors and get Monkey outdoors, which tires him out and gives me more energy AND time, (if he's tired out) which allows me more resources to get what I need to get done-- which helps my marriage and my tired husband.

It's just what needs to happen. The second trimester is coming soon too-- and that is always a better time with a lot more energy AND focus on nesting and just getting it done! I really look forward to that.

Well, I'm going to do some stuff while Monkey-boy is napping and then we're going to go somewhere outside and see what kind of trouble we can get into!

Best to all-- hope spring has sprung for you too!

Thinking about how tired I am...

... and then like a jolt of wintry cold air, I remember the LAST time I was tired like this--

Yep, I had a bean on-board.

Hmm. I just took a P-test Thursday and it was a big ol' neg... but it would be too soon if it's this month, not January. Hmm... I hate this part of TTC. Not that we've been particularly trying, per se, lately.

Well, we shall see... Until later(jaw-cracking yawn)...

zzz...