Season's Greetings...

We had our first snow outside this morning. I got Monkey suited up and we went out to check it out. He liked it, but didn't like the coldness of it so much. Last year, his first snow didn't make any impression on him, considering he was a few weeks new.

There wasn't much, and it's since melted, but it's enough to herald in winter for me. I feel a new urgency to discharge my albatross- the putting in of the storm windows.

Redbeard stopped by this morning while I was feeding Monkey and putting dinner in the CP (tonite is so-called Pork Chop Delight- no turkey this time *shudder*); he casually mentioned that he stopped to refill water and wash the blood off his hands!

His hunter got a buck! A nice little four-point. Redbeard said the hunter that got it didn't deserve it as much as the other guy who had been working a lot harder, but that's the way the runes fall. [shrug] They could probably hear me outside, whooping and congratulating RB, who was demurring oh, so cutely. This is an intense pressure off him that at least ONE of his hunters got an animal.

That's one less deer for me to dodge with my (Frogger) car too. I like that.

So, they are back out to see if the other guy can get one too, and they will cut up the meat tonite (my last Widowhood night, YES!). Redbeard and I both apologized to each other (him first, rightfully so since he started it- okay, that was childish, but true!) for being snippy last night. I was cranky with him when he got home b/c it was late and I was already going to bed, and he disrupted that by coming home right then. THEN Monkey woke up (which may or may not have been Redbeard's fault)-- but seeing as how I have so much else to be pissy about with him, I laid that in too.

Of course, I was the one who had to get Monkey and comfort him and get him to lay down again; that was just another shot to go into my arsenal. And THEN, Redbeard accuses me (well, not really, but it sounds good and dramatic, doesn't it?) of poisoning him with the turkey sloppy joes!! I wanted to put my snowboots on and kick him until he fell off the bed, but I didn't. See, I'm not irrational; I'm just using fantasy as a way to avoid hurting anyone permanently. Doesn't that actually make me a good person? Erm. It's been a long week.

I had a wonderful eve w/ my sis, Knitty. She and I are buds; Monkey digs her too. Not the least b/c she brings him books from the library and reads them to him, plus she sings and plays! Dang, how fun is that?? :) Knitty, I had my pizza for b-fast-- lip-smacking goodness! Love you!

Bad Mama...PMS?

Okay, so I like(d) the feeling of being independent, of being the "go-to guy" for everything-- for like 2 days.

Yesterday... oh, man.

I had Bad Mama Behavior.

I so regret my temper... particularly when my son gets the brunt of it. I don't beat him or anything, lol, but my voice gets a lot louder than it needs to be for communication. And, I get impatient with him-- as if he is responsible for MY shit?

Damn.

You know, I think I need a break (shocker!). What would be terrific is some retail therapy (alas), but I think I could squeeze some grocery money and we could go to the store in town today. I need stuff to cook with anyway, and Monkey loves seeing all the people.

We were going to go to the big playground yesterday in the next town over, but by the time Monkey got up from his late nap + had food, it was cold & windy. So, he didn't get his wiggles out, and with me being short-tempered anyway, well... it was kind of a recipe for disaster.

And Redbeard (damn him) didn't get home until after we were all a-bed; one of the out-of-town hunters had his birthday yesterday, so he stayed up there to celebrate with him/them. I understand why, and I know this is not what he wants to be doing. I also know he appreciates that 24-7 with Monkey is work too. It's just starting to give at all the seams-- for all of us. This morning when he blearily got out of bed, he sighed and said, "Stupid hunting" as he left.

Early infectious PMS? What vector? Wouldn't that be an interesting differential for House?

I hope it's not PMS-- we are trying for a baby... shit, that's what it feels like, though. Well, whaddya gon' do?

Have a better day-- me & everyone else. Right now, I'm off to shower (that might help my attitude problem) and then put stuff for Hot-n-Spicy Sloppy Joes in the crockpot.

Hunting Widow Week

No... it's not a national holiday (wouldn't that be horrible?!); it's my "cross to bear," as me old mother always used to say. Of course, how can I complain (oh, just ask me!!) when my dear Redbeard is hauling in enough fat moolah guiding out-of-town hunters for a week, to help cover us when he gets laid off for three months?

Oh, but, really!

Never mind that MY job doesn't pay anything (which is complete and utter horseshit-- as I'm the support staff without whom nada else gets done)-- and never mind that my holidays are more work than my regular days (We are flying over Yule-- 10 hours from Montana to Ohio with a 14 month old... I must have been high.)

I don't have any days off for sickness, no "Flex Time". Although, I suppose you could count attempting to contain 4 flailing limbs, hold onto 2 blankies, maintain a hearing-preservation-distance-ratio from a wide-open wailing mouth, while swaying somewhat rhythmically and cooing a sleep-inducing soothing melody at naptime as "Flex Time"-- if you were that brave...

I love being a mom to my kid and there are only two things that really wear on me about parenting.

1) Always being vigilant & responsible. Now, everyone has some amount of vigilance required, but when you have a kid around, even in a babyproofed area, you have to constantly be aware of what might happen. It's a drag to not be able to let yourself relax and space out (one of my previous favorite activities. Don't forget me, I'll come back to you someday...!)

And 2) The constant round of child-induced work. Man, I've worked nearly constantly since I was 14 (it was self-induced, not child labor)-- and I have never done as much constant grinding chore work as I do with a child around. Crikey. Meal preparation, diapers, hygiene, changing clothes, laundry, dishes, picking up, cleaning & more-- all while maintaining vigilance. In a given day, I do all of that several times a day (with laundry, we do a ton on the weekend).

In the Grand Scheme, (which I hear an awful lot about, but I've never been CC:ed on) what I gain in my Stay At Home Mom journey almost completely makes up for what I lose-- should I be inclined to weigh things out and have positives cancel out negatives. But who wants to do that??! An apple is not a bicycle; being thankful just to be thankful is for wussies.

Bad- good... it's a load of crap. You don't know which is yum and which is yuck until you've lived with it a good long while. Some of my most treasured experiences are ones I hated in the moment. Give me something challenging and I can grow on that for years. My sweet Monkey always brings me "ickies"... YMMV.


In everyday life, I complain about the shit I don't like in my life until sometimes I change some stuff, and then no irritant- then no complaining (about that). Some of the stuff I complain about hasn't changed (and it could have!) since I was in my twenties! But I'm all about readiness; when the space is open, the right way becomes clear. True dat.

Just today, I picked up a pair of (previously) clean socks that had been lying all nicely mated on the kitchen floor in the corner having fallen there while one of us was folding laundry, oh.... more than a month ago. They've been bugging me every time I put Monkey's highchair back to its designated area. That's 3+times a day-- every day, since he unfortunately eats on so-called weekends too-- over more than a month. 3 x 30 = 90 at the minimum. Ninety times I've looked at those damn socks and thought how irritating they were, rather than picking them up and not being irritated by them any longer.

Boy, I'm really something.

You know, I think what gave me the push that opened the space, was this week-- this being a Hunting Widow business. I am single-parenting this week (Redbeard is only sleeping at home-- all work and maintenance is on me), so I am woman-ing up on all this stuff. It's actually really refreshing.

I was so independent in my life previous to wifedom, motherhood and mountain-micro-villaging. It was me and all this other stuff like interdependence, chore-sharing, communication, etc. is all the weird.

Contrary to my expectations, I feel good about this lone-parenting week (other than that Monkey misses Redbeard). I feel strong and competent and my pants fit a little better (I think that's the portion control paying off, though....)

The whole idea of "counting your blessings" is a nice one and one I plan to take up, someday, but not today.

The idiom that I am working with is to BE present- to feel the moment- to savor and luxuriate and wrap myself in all the warmth and texture and feel of Monkey's young toddlerhood, my being able to stay at home, the likelihood that we'll start trying for another baby soon (won't that be fun- mrrorww), pregnancy & all that entails, my old man, my development as a person, and all that's before us.

So much of my life I was asleep for. I feel the difference now in the air, the way my body feels, the smiles that come even when things are completely catty-whompus.

Happy... who, me?? SSsshhh!