Hunting Widow Week

No... it's not a national holiday (wouldn't that be horrible?!); it's my "cross to bear," as me old mother always used to say. Of course, how can I complain (oh, just ask me!!) when my dear Redbeard is hauling in enough fat moolah guiding out-of-town hunters for a week, to help cover us when he gets laid off for three months?

Oh, but, really!

Never mind that MY job doesn't pay anything (which is complete and utter horseshit-- as I'm the support staff without whom nada else gets done)-- and never mind that my holidays are more work than my regular days (We are flying over Yule-- 10 hours from Montana to Ohio with a 14 month old... I must have been high.)

I don't have any days off for sickness, no "Flex Time". Although, I suppose you could count attempting to contain 4 flailing limbs, hold onto 2 blankies, maintain a hearing-preservation-distance-ratio from a wide-open wailing mouth, while swaying somewhat rhythmically and cooing a sleep-inducing soothing melody at naptime as "Flex Time"-- if you were that brave...

I love being a mom to my kid and there are only two things that really wear on me about parenting.

1) Always being vigilant & responsible. Now, everyone has some amount of vigilance required, but when you have a kid around, even in a babyproofed area, you have to constantly be aware of what might happen. It's a drag to not be able to let yourself relax and space out (one of my previous favorite activities. Don't forget me, I'll come back to you someday...!)

And 2) The constant round of child-induced work. Man, I've worked nearly constantly since I was 14 (it was self-induced, not child labor)-- and I have never done as much constant grinding chore work as I do with a child around. Crikey. Meal preparation, diapers, hygiene, changing clothes, laundry, dishes, picking up, cleaning & more-- all while maintaining vigilance. In a given day, I do all of that several times a day (with laundry, we do a ton on the weekend).

In the Grand Scheme, (which I hear an awful lot about, but I've never been CC:ed on) what I gain in my Stay At Home Mom journey almost completely makes up for what I lose-- should I be inclined to weigh things out and have positives cancel out negatives. But who wants to do that??! An apple is not a bicycle; being thankful just to be thankful is for wussies.

Bad- good... it's a load of crap. You don't know which is yum and which is yuck until you've lived with it a good long while. Some of my most treasured experiences are ones I hated in the moment. Give me something challenging and I can grow on that for years. My sweet Monkey always brings me "ickies"... YMMV.


In everyday life, I complain about the shit I don't like in my life until sometimes I change some stuff, and then no irritant- then no complaining (about that). Some of the stuff I complain about hasn't changed (and it could have!) since I was in my twenties! But I'm all about readiness; when the space is open, the right way becomes clear. True dat.

Just today, I picked up a pair of (previously) clean socks that had been lying all nicely mated on the kitchen floor in the corner having fallen there while one of us was folding laundry, oh.... more than a month ago. They've been bugging me every time I put Monkey's highchair back to its designated area. That's 3+times a day-- every day, since he unfortunately eats on so-called weekends too-- over more than a month. 3 x 30 = 90 at the minimum. Ninety times I've looked at those damn socks and thought how irritating they were, rather than picking them up and not being irritated by them any longer.

Boy, I'm really something.

You know, I think what gave me the push that opened the space, was this week-- this being a Hunting Widow business. I am single-parenting this week (Redbeard is only sleeping at home-- all work and maintenance is on me), so I am woman-ing up on all this stuff. It's actually really refreshing.

I was so independent in my life previous to wifedom, motherhood and mountain-micro-villaging. It was me and all this other stuff like interdependence, chore-sharing, communication, etc. is all the weird.

Contrary to my expectations, I feel good about this lone-parenting week (other than that Monkey misses Redbeard). I feel strong and competent and my pants fit a little better (I think that's the portion control paying off, though....)

The whole idea of "counting your blessings" is a nice one and one I plan to take up, someday, but not today.

The idiom that I am working with is to BE present- to feel the moment- to savor and luxuriate and wrap myself in all the warmth and texture and feel of Monkey's young toddlerhood, my being able to stay at home, the likelihood that we'll start trying for another baby soon (won't that be fun- mrrorww), pregnancy & all that entails, my old man, my development as a person, and all that's before us.

So much of my life I was asleep for. I feel the difference now in the air, the way my body feels, the smiles that come even when things are completely catty-whompus.

Happy... who, me?? SSsshhh!